Sometimes, I feel like a hypocrite. While I’m telling people to work hard and break down big seemingly impossible goals, I find it hard to be productive. I’ve talked about motivation before, but this is different.

I usually find myself staring at my outline of broken down tasks, dreading the moment where I have to do them. Maybe it’s something I haven’t tried before, like remixing music. Maybe it’s something I’ve done many times before, like writing short articles. It doesn’t really matter what my competency is in the task. I just don’t want to do it.

All I want to do is lay in bed and watch mindless dribble on Youtube or talk to my dogs about their day.

Often, I stare long enough to convince myself to start. Sometimes, I don’t. I’ve gotten better at convincing myself, but it’s still not enough to overcome all the times I find it hard to start on something.

I have been very productive recently, compared to other periods in my life. It’s gratifying to go on for so long doing well, but it’s also terrifying.

My mind tells me, ‘One moment of weakness and all this progress is ruined.’ and ‘If you start going down, it’s just going to be a downspiral and you won’t even notice it until you’re in that position again. Remember how you felt down there?’

I’m in constant fear that my “streak” will be destroyed if I make a wrong move. And I’ve done that. I take one day off and I feel so so so bad. I should be being productive. I should be up and about.

A dominant statement rings through my head at these moments: “I’m not supposed to be like this anymore.”

I’m not providing any answers right now, because I don’t have any, but I think that productivity is a difficult value to be consistent in. I’ll keep working on this and I hope you will too.

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