Hi I haven’t been doing very well, but I wanted to write about parts of it to express my feelings. It has always helped me to put my thoughts and feelings outside of my body whether it’s through writing, painting, shouting, or sometimes snapchatting, so I thought why not?
I was dismissed from college a little under a year ago and currently, I am working to get back. In reality, I wasn’t ready for college yet and I didn’t really know how to deal with my mental illness on top of a heavy workload. I didn’t sleep well and I forgot to eat. My physical health was really bad due to these things. Additionally, I was so anxious and stressed that when I did have time to sleep, I would lie in bed for hours, unable to sleep.
I would go so far as to say that my period in college allowed me to reach rock bottom, or what I would consider a “rock bottom” of my life so far. So I did terrible in my classes, failed three of them, and didn’t attend a lot of the others. I tried to make up for it by lying to my professors, which obviously is not good, which got me even more anxious. I told them that I didn’t know or that I was “sick.” In the end, I didn’t reach the required gpa and was dismissed.
I was so distressed, so upset. I was so destroyed inside that I couldn’t cry. College was the first time in a long time where I felt like I belong, and I fucked it up.
It took a while but I eventually made up my mind that I would work on getting better and going back if possible. That was what happened in the past year.
Today, I’m about a month away from being able to apply for readmission. I’m terrified. I could not be accepted. I could be accepted, and then dismissed again. I could be accepted, and then everything will go back and I’ll hate it there. Honestly, I don’t know.
What I do know is that I’ve improved in terms of both mental health and physical health so much.
I now sleep regularly, rarely staying up late. I eat all three meals a day and snacks, which is way more than I used to eat. I gained some weight but I feel very healthy.
Obviously, recovery looks different from everyone and I don’t think I’m even half the way to calling myself “recovered,” but I’m proud of what I’ve gone through and what I’m doing to go through future events. I am still working on myself and my beliefs and my habits, but I would have never imagined myself like this a year ago.
This was kind of all I wanted to say.
I do want to tell anyone who is in recovery from mental illness or anything that you shouldn’t compare your recovery to mine. I’ve done that so many times and it’s not good for anyone. You have your own pace and I have mine, and neither of them are better than each other. I believe in you!