If you’re reading this then you’re probably wondering how you can deal with depression. Or perhaps someone you love has depression and you’re wondering how to help. Well, I don’t claim to have all the answers but I do have depression and I know what it’s like to not want to live anymore.
I found out that I have depression about five years ago, but I think that I’ve had it even when I was a little kid. I didn’t understand it though, so I pushed it aside. I’m from Asia and people don’t like talking about mental health, because there’s a stigma that these people are crazy or broken. I was also a high-achieving child. I always had a medal every year, my family had high hopes for my future and wanted me to be a lawyer.
Which was mostly why I didn’t talk about feeling unexplainably sad out of nowhere. I didn’t tell anyone that sometimes, I just wanted to disappear and cease my existence. None of those really felt like something that was a serious problem to me. It was more like it was just another thing keeping me from being the perfect person, so if I don’t talk about it, it will probably go away.
The trigger for me was when I got bullied in my first year of high school. I won’t get into it, but it was terrible. Though, I still didn’t want to talk about it. One day though, on the ride home with my mom, I just burst out crying out of nowhere, because I was so sad and I didn’t want to feel the pain.
Eventually, I said everything, and I transferred schools. Then I transferred schools again. There, I made a friend who had been to a therapist, and that was the first time I had ever heard of it in a context where therapy wasn’t the “Crazy People Wanting to Murder Others” trope, but an experience that was actually helpful.
It took a while to convince my parents to see one, but I did and it went really bad. The therapist was an old conservative man and my mom was in the room for every session. Also, we had to wait about two hours because there was no fixed schedule. He gave me some medicine and didn’t really explain what they were for. I guess it did help with my anxiety, but not really with the depression. I stopped going after a few months.
Then, I thought that therapy wasn’t good for me and that I just had to deal with this myself. I couldn’t though.
I got into self-harm in that period and my parents found out and brought me to a different therapist. This one was good and I liked them, but I had no time to spend hours travelling and talking about myself. I had school and I had to do well so I wouldn’t disappoint anyone. That was my mindset.
But that therapist helped me out. We went through my thoughts and perceptions, and she told me what the medicines she prescribed me were for.
Still, school was my priority. However, I was in a bad place mentally, so eventually I just spiralled down and down.
Throughout the different parts of my journey, I have found that I most valued the people who listened to me without judgement. They wouldn’t panic and would just give me a hug or hold my hand, which I appreciate. They didn’t even have to give me advice. Them listening to me made me feel less alone and that there were people out there who I could rely on when I’m having a bad day. I’m very fortunate to have met this kind of person and to have them in my life.
Well, that’s all I have for now. I hope you were able to learn something. Bye!